For those who fell just short... Reflections from Kaukauna

gundyboo · February 19, 2021, 08:50:26 AM

I wrote this as a facebook post earlier this week. I was surprised how people responded to it. I share it here to offer encouragement for those who experienced the agony of falling just short of their dreams this past weekend.

The Other Guy on the Mat

With the blow of a whistle and a slap of the mat my son's dream of being a state champion was finally realized. We've seen a lot of crazy celebrations at the end of big matches and it was John's turn to do the same. He released his grip of his opponent, jumped up, flexed, pointed over the mat-side cameras to covid-empty bleachers, and finished things off with a breath-taking backflip. Um, no. He released his grip and before getting up, "his moment" was interrupted by the awareness that he was not the only one on the mat. The other boy was still on his back, hands over his head. One boy's dreams had been realized and another's had been swept away. Pivoting to stand up, John stopped, turned back, and reached down to pat his opponent on the arm. It wasn't much, but with that short expression of encouragement, the other boy immediately worked to his feet and they each made their way to the center of the mat. I've always wondered how John might react to winning such a big match. Apparently no different than any other. He walked to the center circle, shook hands with his opponent, and offered another pat on the shoulder. Each wrestler went to the opposing corner to shake hands with coaches, before crossing paths one final time. Another handshake and this time reciprocating pats on the back. Respect. Nice.

Now I'm not really intending to make a statement against celebrating a big win. I think I would have. But wrestling, unlike any sport I know, has a distinct loser. The win is all yours and for all to see. And so is the loss. John has known the thrill of many victories, but he's also known the agony of falling just short. Until Saturday, he had never won a state title. People sometimes dismiss the significance of the youth state tournament compared to the high school experience, but in our memories it was very big. It was held at the Aliant Energy Center with stadium seating and under big lights, creating a larger-than-life experience. John made the finals there as well. Three times. He lost each time, always close matches, once in the final seconds. Those losses were devastating to him. Each time he thought it was his time to win. After that third loss we left the tournament and tried to distract him with a special stop in Madison to Applebee's. The family ate well that night, celebrating a great tournament. John sat in the car to cry instead.

John lost in the high school finals as well. The memory is vivid, being just last year. He had decisively won every match throughout the season before knocking off the top ranked favorite in the semifinals. Then came those finals again. Two minutes in and I could see he was having some sort of blood sugar issue or something. Maybe his opponent brought it out of him. But I had never seen him like that before. He was dizzy, confused, and running on autopilot. He kept looking over at me with fear in his eyes, like he wanted me to do something. I couldn't help. Somehow he was leading 5-2 with 2 minutes to go, but I knew he was done. The kid who hadn't given up a takedown in 36 matches throughout the season gave up three in the final two minutes. He could have given up 30. Deep in the bowels of concrete hallways of the Kohl Center John cried again. The deep kind. The kind that makes a dad wonder why we do this.

But character is forged through the fires of adversity. We learn from losses. John said in a newspaper interview last week that he went through a period when he had to learn that his identify was not in wrestling. He said that wrestling is something that he does. It's not who he is. These are not new concepts to us or to him, but I think he resonated with Olympic champ Kyle Snyder, who after losing in the finals of the World Championships said he was not defined by his wins or by his losses but by his relationship with Jesus. John said something similar for the paper. For that, I'm glad Kyle Snyder had a big loss. And for that, I can be glad that John had a big loss as well. I'm not sure you learn things like that through winning. We need the losses as well.

As John and I sat together back in the bowels of Kaukauna high school, waiting our turn for the finals, trying to stay positive and relaxed, wrestlers from the smaller weight classes were finishing their matches. Jubilant winners were soaking it up in the gym, celebrating with family or being interviewed by reporters. Others were making their way back by us, finding secluded spots to have their moment to cry. Really good wrestlers. Nationally acclaimed wrestlers. Deep cries. Gulp. Eventually it was time to make our way to the gym. Another top wrestler in the hallway, on all fours, in exhausted agony. Reminders all around us of what was at stake in a championship match, at least for a time.

Well, John wrestled. And he wrestled well. But he did not wrestle alone. He did not beat a clock or a team. There was a winner and there was a loser. We didn't know much about the boy John wrestled in the finals. We knew he was an outstanding wrestler. He qualified for state all four years. He got third last year. He went 60-2 over his last two years, both losses to the same nationally-ranked wrestler. John was 50-1 over the same stretch. It was an even match up. The other boy deserved a title just as much as John. He too had put in the work. And he too had experienced loss. I'm glad I didn't look it up ahead of time, but I later read an article that said he lost an older brother to cancer 10 years ago. Wow. Maybe he had great composure after his finals loss because John was so nice. Or maybe it was because this young man has taken his own path in learning there are bigger things in life than wrestling matches.

We've learned a lot of things through this journey in wrestling. We're glad to learn a few things through a big win this time. What joy and satisfaction in setting high goals and achieving them! It was quite an evening. But on the long ride home John was drawn to talk about how bad he felt for certain kids who fell just short that night though just as deserving. Another pat on the back.

The jubilance of winning is not diminished by acknowledging those around you. They faced what was at stake in trying to do something remarkable. Our deepest respect to those who fell just short on our big day. You are much more to us than just the other guy on the mat.

mojo123 · February 19, 2021, 09:07:38 AM

This is incredible & extremely well written. Thank you for sharing!!

LaValle · February 19, 2021, 09:39:38 AM

You are both class acts!

Thank you for the story

Ghetto · February 19, 2021, 10:12:29 AM

Is it dusty in here? My gosh I'm getting soft.

imwi · February 19, 2021, 10:37:09 AM

Same here Ghetto

Thanks for sharing that

npope · February 19, 2021, 10:50:57 AM

gundyboo - a very special piece - thank you for taking the time to contemplate it and put it so nicely into words; I am sure it speaks to many of us who have competed in our earlier years.

bigoil · February 19, 2021, 11:46:22 AM

Quote from: Ghetto on February 19, 2021, 10:12:29 AM
Is it dusty in here? My gosh I'm getting soft.

Dang, stop cooking those onions Ghetto.

padre · February 19, 2021, 01:00:35 PM

Been on both sides...you said it perfectly!!!

bigG · February 19, 2021, 01:18:47 PM

Very well done. Thanks for the positive breath of life.

madeyson · February 19, 2021, 01:40:29 PM

This is great! John is going to go a long way in life with this kind of positive influence. Thank you for sharing!

Old98 · February 19, 2021, 01:41:55 PM

Thank you for sharing! You have raised a wonderful young man.

bronco · February 19, 2021, 01:45:25 PM

One of the things I will remember forever and think of often is, no matter how far or wide Jacob and I would travel in WI, MN or IA for a youth tournament, in would walk the "Baraboo boys" John and Eli. We would visit now and then. John is a champion on and off the mat and it is easy to see where he gets it from! Good luck to John and Eli in life, however they don't need that from me, they will do just fine on their own.

blacknblue · February 20, 2021, 06:09:37 AM

Thank you for taking the time to put this into words. The Wisconsin wrestling community is better off because of all the people like you who take the time to give back.

dman · February 20, 2021, 09:13:41 AM

Someone must have been cutting up onions near me when I read this...

Very well done!!

Wrestling Novice · February 20, 2021, 01:15:22 PM

Well written. My son beat a friend and great wrestling partner to make it to state for the first time ever. What was a wonderful moment was made even better by his non euphoric reaction. He told me after that he wasn't going to celebrate a friend's loss no matter how much it meant to him. To his friend's credit even though I'm sure he was hurting inside, I believe he was as happy for my son as we were.

It speaks volumes of the kids and parents.